I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Bene Gesserit rite, Dune
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Finite Fear
I promise I'm almost done with this topic. Almost.
I read an article concerning fear. Essentially it said that you should write them down. This helps alleviate the fear because it skips them. You've told your mind that yes, you are paying attention to these things, you don't need to ruminate over them anymore. Also, if there is a finite amount of fear I have, I am attenuating way too much to certain areas. I need to transition how much I fear certain things to live a healthy existence. So here are my breakdowns for how much percentage of time I want to be fearing each topic. Each of these has hundreds of individual fears and situations, but here are the main categories.
Limited Time: 10%
Some people would call this the fear of death, but I think it is analogous but not exactly the same. This is the fear that because of death I have limited time to exist within this consciousness. Obviously death plays into this, and I am scared shitless of death. I worry about homicide all the time. I have the constant fear of someone just around the next corner waiting to ambush and kill me. But most significantly I am scared about the idea of everything going on forever while I have no perception of it. But I cannot do much about it. I am going to die. This thus includes other fears that end my consciousness and are out of my control: the Universe ending, an unjust death, an untimely death, etc. What I really need to do is make the most of what I have. Thus I should fear death only because it shows my time is limited...
Quality of Life: 60%
The important things I can do something about. A way to attack death realistically by making the most of life. This should be my main fear and what I need to be actively concerned with because I can effect it. I can control the quality of life and thus make the most of this finite time. There are tons of things that go into this fear including: social embarrassment, happiness, shame, regret, productivity, purpose, love, pride, and despair. I can do something about these, thus they are worthy of actual consideration, thought, and work.
The Universe: 23%
I worry that we as the human race will never get better; we will never reach our ultimate potential. This is a fairly abstract and some would say stupid fear. Religious people do not have to worry much about this because heaven and god are perfect. There is an eternity of bliss after death. But I do not have this. Humans and our minds are all we have. I fear that we will never get better, that we are too poorly evolved, lazy, selfish to get better and make our existence and the Universe better. By my own impact I can effect this. This is something of a quality of life concern, but for everyone. My motives are not wholly altruistic, because I want us to be better because I will be part of it. I can be involved in everything being better. It is as close as I can get to heaven and I don't think we can get there.
The Oven is On: 0%
Fuck this.
Fear Itself: 7%
This is the fear of uncertainty. When I turn off all the lights the fear of what is not known. I do not think this deserves much weight. Obviously a topic such as everlasting torment is a frightening topic, but I cannot do much about it, thus fear has lost its beneficial role. In a lot of ways, it is simply a culmination of all the unnamed things in the future that could cause problems in above topics.
If there are things you think I should be worrying about that I have not listed, let me know. Or something here you do not think I should pay attention to at all.
I read an article concerning fear. Essentially it said that you should write them down. This helps alleviate the fear because it skips them. You've told your mind that yes, you are paying attention to these things, you don't need to ruminate over them anymore. Also, if there is a finite amount of fear I have, I am attenuating way too much to certain areas. I need to transition how much I fear certain things to live a healthy existence. So here are my breakdowns for how much percentage of time I want to be fearing each topic. Each of these has hundreds of individual fears and situations, but here are the main categories.
Limited Time: 10%
Some people would call this the fear of death, but I think it is analogous but not exactly the same. This is the fear that because of death I have limited time to exist within this consciousness. Obviously death plays into this, and I am scared shitless of death. I worry about homicide all the time. I have the constant fear of someone just around the next corner waiting to ambush and kill me. But most significantly I am scared about the idea of everything going on forever while I have no perception of it. But I cannot do much about it. I am going to die. This thus includes other fears that end my consciousness and are out of my control: the Universe ending, an unjust death, an untimely death, etc. What I really need to do is make the most of what I have. Thus I should fear death only because it shows my time is limited...
Quality of Life: 60%
The important things I can do something about. A way to attack death realistically by making the most of life. This should be my main fear and what I need to be actively concerned with because I can effect it. I can control the quality of life and thus make the most of this finite time. There are tons of things that go into this fear including: social embarrassment, happiness, shame, regret, productivity, purpose, love, pride, and despair. I can do something about these, thus they are worthy of actual consideration, thought, and work.
The Universe: 23%
I worry that we as the human race will never get better; we will never reach our ultimate potential. This is a fairly abstract and some would say stupid fear. Religious people do not have to worry much about this because heaven and god are perfect. There is an eternity of bliss after death. But I do not have this. Humans and our minds are all we have. I fear that we will never get better, that we are too poorly evolved, lazy, selfish to get better and make our existence and the Universe better. By my own impact I can effect this. This is something of a quality of life concern, but for everyone. My motives are not wholly altruistic, because I want us to be better because I will be part of it. I can be involved in everything being better. It is as close as I can get to heaven and I don't think we can get there.
The Oven is On: 0%
Fuck this.
Fear Itself: 7%
This is the fear of uncertainty. When I turn off all the lights the fear of what is not known. I do not think this deserves much weight. Obviously a topic such as everlasting torment is a frightening topic, but I cannot do much about it, thus fear has lost its beneficial role. In a lot of ways, it is simply a culmination of all the unnamed things in the future that could cause problems in above topics.
If there are things you think I should be worrying about that I have not listed, let me know. Or something here you do not think I should pay attention to at all.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Rendezvous with Rama
I started reading, Rendezvous with Rama, on Monday night on a whim. I read 70 pages that night. It is now Wednesday and I am finished. Obviously this one is a page turner. It was on my list with Neuromancer as one of the few science-fiction novels ever to win multiple awards in the genre. It's from the 70's and another classic. Arthur C. Clarke's work is drastically different in almost every respect 
to William Gibson's though.
Rendezvous with Rama concerns a huge asteroid that makes its way into our galaxy some hundreds of years in the future. By this point man has colonized the Moon as well as Mars and even Mercury. The scientific world is shaken up when this would be asteroid turns out to be a perfectly smooth cylinder some 50 kilometers long traversing our solar system. A team is sent out to examine and explore this alien construction sent from the depths of the Universe. But what will it contain? Will we finally discover an alien civilization far ahead of our own? And what is the purpose of its passing?
Mostly I found Rendezvous with Rama very interesting and compelling. The book is very plot driven and character development is not stressed as much as the fascinating plot. The chapters are usually 2-5 pages and the book itself is just over 250 pages. It was a fun and exciting read, and a nice break from some of the more intellectual books I have been reading. I would not count it as science-fiction fluff, but it is fairly straight-forward and simple. It would be difficult to get much out of this anti-climatic thriller besides stunning visuals and fast paced wonder. It is however the first book in a series, so perhaps it should not be judged until conclusion. I probably would not recommend it to others unless they wanted a fairly light, adventurous science-fiction read. It would have made a good movie. 7.5/10
to William Gibson's though.Rendezvous with Rama concerns a huge asteroid that makes its way into our galaxy some hundreds of years in the future. By this point man has colonized the Moon as well as Mars and even Mercury. The scientific world is shaken up when this would be asteroid turns out to be a perfectly smooth cylinder some 50 kilometers long traversing our solar system. A team is sent out to examine and explore this alien construction sent from the depths of the Universe. But what will it contain? Will we finally discover an alien civilization far ahead of our own? And what is the purpose of its passing?
Mostly I found Rendezvous with Rama very interesting and compelling. The book is very plot driven and character development is not stressed as much as the fascinating plot. The chapters are usually 2-5 pages and the book itself is just over 250 pages. It was a fun and exciting read, and a nice break from some of the more intellectual books I have been reading. I would not count it as science-fiction fluff, but it is fairly straight-forward and simple. It would be difficult to get much out of this anti-climatic thriller besides stunning visuals and fast paced wonder. It is however the first book in a series, so perhaps it should not be judged until conclusion. I probably would not recommend it to others unless they wanted a fairly light, adventurous science-fiction read. It would have made a good movie. 7.5/10
Friday, July 16, 2010
Artwork
I just got my first personal scanner. It works pretty well, but is fairly small. I scanned some artwork I've done recently. Just some fun easy pieces. The scanner unfortunately has to do these size ones in pieces. They're not super easy to put together but hopefully it's not too obvious.
<-- Crowns on the Ground
<-- Crowns on the Ground
Kingdom of Crowns -->
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Letting Fear In
This is something of an answer post to my previous question a few days ago. Obviously this is a fairly quick turn-around of insight. However I really do think I've reached some revelations with the help of communication from various people (you), and other factors.
I had a fairly long discussion with Wills last night about fear and the future. I talked about how I can almost sense my fear as a tangible apparition that is always one step away. That fear itself is manifest in a nefarious man lurking around the corner of the hallway that I cannot see. He is closely waiting behind the next corner, the next available obstruction to hide his presence. But he is not invisible at all. The feeling of him is fear; that is looking into the face of fear. By definition, fear is always around that next corner, the uncertainty and apprehension of what could happen next. The looking under the door and waiting for the shadow to move. But fear is not there. Fear is not the real danger. Fear is the shadow of threat waiting behind the next turn. And by looking at the uncertainty and knowing that fear is this thing, not what could be around the corner, I was able to invite it in...
When I was younger, I used to get scared in the house fairly often when alone. I would transform small sighs and noises from the house into intruders. If something rustled upstairs it was certainly because a man was there. And soon he would be coming down to kill me. What was that passing shadow in the door frame when I moved my head too quickly? It was surely someone. It was the fear in movement. I was powerless. How can you fight something that is just one step away? How can you defeat what is and is not real? In this sense you cannot defeat it. You cannot simply look around the corner and see that no one is there, because the fear has already moved. Nowadays I feel the fear in my apartment. Sitting in my main room I think something is lurking beyond my door or in my closet. But when I go into my bedroom and lock the door, it is now in the apartment just on the other side of the door. It is always one step away. Just beyond detection. When I was younger my only defense was letting it win. I would clearly announce: "OK. Fine. You're in the house. Fine. Can you please just come out now?" This verbal denouncement seemed to bolster my courage but in a way also defeat the fear, or at the least understand the absurdity of it. When letting fear in completely you have defeated it because it simply has nothing else. It is all bark and no bite. There is no real threat besides simply fear. The very act of fighting fear makes it real. When we give ourselves away to it, let it in, let it be, we have defeated it.
I stayed in my main room quite a bit last night. I drew some stuff and kept my back to the door. Whenever I got the sensation that someone was behind me, I simply welcomed them in. "Hi, how are you? Stay awhile." When we accept fear and let it linger I think we can realize that it is only a phantom. It only hurts us because we let it have power over us. Once we befriend it, it no longer haunts us, but merely walks beside us.
Comments and what not are always welcome.
I had a fairly long discussion with Wills last night about fear and the future. I talked about how I can almost sense my fear as a tangible apparition that is always one step away. That fear itself is manifest in a nefarious man lurking around the corner of the hallway that I cannot see. He is closely waiting behind the next corner, the next available obstruction to hide his presence. But he is not invisible at all. The feeling of him is fear; that is looking into the face of fear. By definition, fear is always around that next corner, the uncertainty and apprehension of what could happen next. The looking under the door and waiting for the shadow to move. But fear is not there. Fear is not the real danger. Fear is the shadow of threat waiting behind the next turn. And by looking at the uncertainty and knowing that fear is this thing, not what could be around the corner, I was able to invite it in...
When I was younger, I used to get scared in the house fairly often when alone. I would transform small sighs and noises from the house into intruders. If something rustled upstairs it was certainly because a man was there. And soon he would be coming down to kill me. What was that passing shadow in the door frame when I moved my head too quickly? It was surely someone. It was the fear in movement. I was powerless. How can you fight something that is just one step away? How can you defeat what is and is not real? In this sense you cannot defeat it. You cannot simply look around the corner and see that no one is there, because the fear has already moved. Nowadays I feel the fear in my apartment. Sitting in my main room I think something is lurking beyond my door or in my closet. But when I go into my bedroom and lock the door, it is now in the apartment just on the other side of the door. It is always one step away. Just beyond detection. When I was younger my only defense was letting it win. I would clearly announce: "OK. Fine. You're in the house. Fine. Can you please just come out now?" This verbal denouncement seemed to bolster my courage but in a way also defeat the fear, or at the least understand the absurdity of it. When letting fear in completely you have defeated it because it simply has nothing else. It is all bark and no bite. There is no real threat besides simply fear. The very act of fighting fear makes it real. When we give ourselves away to it, let it in, let it be, we have defeated it.
I stayed in my main room quite a bit last night. I drew some stuff and kept my back to the door. Whenever I got the sensation that someone was behind me, I simply welcomed them in. "Hi, how are you? Stay awhile." When we accept fear and let it linger I think we can realize that it is only a phantom. It only hurts us because we let it have power over us. Once we befriend it, it no longer haunts us, but merely walks beside us.
Comments and what not are always welcome.
Lolita
I just finished Lolita by Vladamir Nabokov. Overall I would say I enjoyed and relished the book. Nabokov is an exquisite writer of human emotion and cognition.Lolita is a manuscript written by Humbert Humbert concerning his love of nymphets, and more particularly his one burning desire, his Lolita. It is a story of cunning insanity and passionate love. Humbert is a detached, wholly rational and thoughtfully, complex character. The reader must empathize with him as he travels the roads of despair and melancholy where he is forbidden to possess the only thing he truly loves.
I love Lolita as a talking point for discussion on what love can mean. It is a true love story in the most possessive and selfish sense. I really enjoy talking about this book with others and some of the controversial and pushing topics it enlightens within us concerning age, maturity, love, personal responsibility, obsession, insanity, and ownership.
The plot itself dragged at times for me, and with any journal reached points more pressing to the author than the reader. I found myself hoping the tale would end well before the final resolution. I, however, would argue that the dramatic climax happened much before this. Though I did enjoy almost all of the writing, it simply may have been too rich for me at points. Recommended for those who want a contemplative read on love and the bizarre and insane forms it can take. 8/10.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Question 2
How do you conquer fear?
Fear is in the mind.
Fear is our brain telling us that we need to be aware of some situation ahead because it represents a crisis to us. Some of these warnings are useful and worth recognizing. But as humans, we have all types of fears which may never be realized or are not worth realistically considering. But we still have these fears. We have uncertainty about the future and it cripples us. We have doubt in our mind that disables us, hinders us, and leaves us incapable of facing the truth. How do we destroy it? How do we defeat the fear created by ourselves in uncertainty of the future and the certainty of death? How do we reign over our fears and take control of our lives?
Fear is in the mind.
Fear is our brain telling us that we need to be aware of some situation ahead because it represents a crisis to us. Some of these warnings are useful and worth recognizing. But as humans, we have all types of fears which may never be realized or are not worth realistically considering. But we still have these fears. We have uncertainty about the future and it cripples us. We have doubt in our mind that disables us, hinders us, and leaves us incapable of facing the truth. How do we destroy it? How do we defeat the fear created by ourselves in uncertainty of the future and the certainty of death? How do we reign over our fears and take control of our lives?
This is a follow-up on my “Question” series. Hopefully I will have my own thoughts on these sometime soon. But mostly I want this as a role call. Are you willing to help me? Thank you to those of you who responded to the first question, and I welcome all to this post. How do you overcome fear? How do you look past death and uncertainty and lead your life without fear? I need to know how to tackle fear because some of these other issues scare the fuck out of me. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Youth in Revolt
I watched Youth in Revolt last night. I thought it was pretty awesome. The characters are pretty absurd, and amazing. And pretty much everyone does exactly what you want them to do, in the best way possible. You might find yourself screaming at the TV for them to do something. "Do it! Do it!" Oh, they'll do it, and you will cheer. This movie definitely has some of my favorite fist pump moments ever.The basic story is that Nick Twisp is in love with a girl. And not only is he in love with her, but he must have sex with her. And he will do anything to make this happen, even if it means making a secondary ego named Francois that will do everything bad that polite, timid Nick cannot. And you will love Francois. He is doing work. He's everything bad and evil that you've ever wanted to do, and he will love doing it. And you will love watching him do it.
This movie probably won't make you better, but as a fun Summer movie, it's pretty good. I will certainly be getting the book soon. 8.5/10