Snow Crash

Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash is an excellent read. Stephenson's total immersion into a frighteningly near world of mob owned franchulates, samurai hackers, and hydrogen- bomb strapped baddies gears you up for some awesome action and surprising revelations in Snow Crash. 8/10

I was drawn easily into Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson's ability to adapt his style to a world's rhythm so well. I loved the language mythology and reference to neural encoding and deep conditioning. My criticism would be, I would have liked to have seen more emphasis on the emotional finish. Still a great novel for an adventure into a parallel world of great scope and accuracy.

How do we internalize our philosophies?

How do we internalize our philosophies?

I am in the midst of my training grounds here at home. Much of it deals with nailing down my philosophies and applying them to my life. But simply knowing I have only one life does not mean that I actually make the most of it. Knowing there is no cosmic ending, no moral judgment, does not mean that I always act freely. Just because I have a philosophy on life does not always ensure that I translate it into my everyday decisions. So that is my newest question. How do we internalize the attitudes and philosophies about life that are important to us? How do we act as optimally as we feel we should? How do we know that life is finite so deeply that we actually live that way? How do we allow our knowledge of embarrassment's fleeting nature to influence our talking to a girl? My thoughts determine my actions and reality. But my brain gets in the way. How do we rewire it with true understanding towards true living?

Children of Dune

In the end of the first trilogoy Frank Herbert really brings back the things that made Dune great. I was skeptical about the whole series and his writing in general from Dune Messiah, but Children of Dune truly was great and made me want to read on again. However, I think three books from one author is enough for a time. I need to get back to reading a non-fiction anyway.

Children of Dune follows Paul's children as they fufill their destiny in this twisting tale of deceit and intrigue. This book had all the mysticism and mystery that I have come to expect from the Dune novels, with none of the petty relationships from the second book. I do not have much to say about it besides that since it is a fairly niche book only for those who really like sci-fi and have plunged three books into this series. Perhaps someday I will go back and read the last few. 8/10

Dune Messiah

Frank Herbert's sequel to Dune was fairly good. Dune Messiah was a little disconnected and sporadic. However it was still good enough where I will read the third book of the series now. I imagine that will be the end of the line though. 7/10

Memories of the Past: Home Invasion

Ashwin and I were talking about this incident last night. How it was one of the funniest stories from college. I'm even considering writing a bit about it for stand-up. So I thought I should try and catalog as much of the experience as I could remember first.

I don't know the actual date of this incident, but I know it was senior year of college, and it took place at Fort Awesome. For whatever reason most of the guys of the house are gone, and basically just Derek and I are home. I think it was the beginning of Summer or maybe some long weekend.

There has been a ridiculous rain storm raging for quite a bit outside. The basement is flooding and I am not enjoying being in my room which is there.The basement has flooded before and destroyed my computer on its previous attempt. Now it's all over the floor of my room and I just don't want to deal with it. Luckily our landlord brought over a shopvac from the previous flooding and I can pump some of the water out. However once the container fills with water it has to be taken outside to be dumped and drained. I cannot do this by myself so I went upstairs to enlist Derek to help me. I think he may have been sleeping when I went up there. But he was super supportive and willing to help me out of this jam. So we head downstairs and begin the losing battle of vacuuming up water from the pool that has collected over my room. After a minute or two we have enough water and must go up the back stairs hauling a huge container of water. It is heavy, unwieldy, and full of sloshing water. Then we have to take the bucket out into the storm, and dump it into the drain in the street so that it cannot rush back under the house. Like I said, it was a losing battle. We made several trips into the storm around the house before we ever saw a dent in the pool of water in my room. And even then the storm was still raging, so water was still leaking in.

During one of our exits out to the back we run into David. Now for this story to make sense you must first know who David is. David is a black, 30-something, skinny homeless man who lives somewhere near our house. I heard speculation that he slept by our shed or somewhere nearby on occasion. Either way he was often lurking around our property. He was always very nice and cordial, and fairly charismatic. He would often try and talk to us as we were leaving or coming into the house. I talked to him on several occasions, and we often talked for several minutes before he would ask for some money or food or whatever. He was a pretty chill guy and I always felt pretty safe around him. I think he owned a truck, and you could often see him doing tasks to earn money such as collecting recycling or branches or whatever. I think he may have even done some work for our landlord but I don't know. Anyway, I liked David fairly well and had grown somewhat accustomed to his presence around the house as many of the guys had.

Anyway, like I was saying, on one of our exits out into the storm we run into David behind the house. I'm not too surprised to see him, but I really just don't want to deal with him right then. He talks to us about the storm and we make some small talk. He seems intrigued by the water entering the basement and has his own theories about how its getting down there. He seems fairly preoccupied though because he keeps talking about getting the gutters cleared out. Whether he thought we wanted his help, he was doing it for the landlord, or he just wanted to, he began to climb a ladder and clear leaves from our gutters. I'm a little freaked out at this point because it's still storming and lightning is flashing. Him being on the ladder during this is freaking me out, especially if he thinks we somehow want him to be doing this. But we just let him do his thing anyway, and continue to bail water out from the basement.

Everytime we come out to dump the water into the drain David walks with us. He talks to us until we head back into the house and return a few minutes later with a new bucket full of water. One of the times when we're down in the basement vacuuming we hear footsteps down the stairs. We turn to the door expectantly. No one else is home... then David comes walking through the doorway into my room. Before I can even be stunned he loudly exclaims "Home invasion!" He says it as if it somehow validates and explains everything he has just done. I am shocked. Not only did this homeless man come into our house unwelcomed, but he came down some stairs after us, then walked into my room and announced his presence by saying everything that was wrong with what he just did. Home invasion.

I really have no idea what we said after that. I'm pretty sure it was fairly awkward. We just kept going and dumping out water and had him follow us out. I don't even know if we continued vacuuming after that. I don't think we chastised him. I don't think anything happened. It was just a bizarre and stunning event that transpired some random night senior year. That's about it.

HOME INVASION!

Dune

From the beginning Frank Herbert's Dune resonated with me. Within the first ten pages I thought it was one of the best books I had ever read. Filled with insight, philosophy, and mysticism Dune has much to offer the contemplative science-fiction reader. Though the book might be more aptly named "Arrakis Awakening," the title Dune shows all of Herbert's cunning in the bare necessity of a word to encapsulate the total essence of an idea. His style is direct and I was often caught by the penetrating truth of his profound simplicity within understanding.

The story of Dune follows many perspectives, but centers around the son of a duke, the youth Paul Atreides. His life changes abruptly when his family moves to the desert planet Arrakis, sometimes called Dune. Here Paul is met with treachery and hardship among the harsh lives of the Fremen, the native people of the planet. He learns discipline, fear, and truth on his way to ascension in becoming Muad'Dib, the savior to a people.

Dune held everything I have been looking for from dealing with fear and death, to insights about time, self, the difficulties of learning, community, and the relationships that bind. Even the appendixes were funny and filled with wisdom and insight. I would recommend this book to any reader who has a sense of searching within themselves. The only thing I have found "wrong" about Dune so far is that it has increased my book buying to book reading ratio because now I have to get all of the sequels. 9.5/10

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Bene Gesserit rite, Dune

Finite Fear

I promise I'm almost done with this topic. Almost.

I read an article concerning fear. Essentially it said that you should write them down. This helps alleviate the fear because it skips them. You've told your mind that yes, you are paying attention to these things, you don't need to ruminate over them anymore. Also, if there is a finite amount of fear I have, I am attenuating way too much to certain areas. I need to transition how much I fear certain things to live a healthy existence. So here are my breakdowns for how much percentage of time I want to be fearing each topic. Each of these has hundreds of individual fears and situations, but here are the main categories.

Limited Time: 10%
Some people would call this the fear of death, but I think it is analogous but not exactly the same. This is the fear that because of death I have limited time to exist within this consciousness. Obviously death plays into this, and I am scared shitless of death. I worry about homicide all the time. I have the constant fear of someone just around the next corner waiting to ambush and kill me. But most significantly I am scared about the idea of everything going on forever while I have no perception of it. But I cannot do much about it. I am going to die. This thus includes other fears that end my consciousness and are out of my control: the Universe ending, an unjust death, an untimely death, etc. What I really need to do is make the most of what I have. Thus I should fear death only because it shows my time is limited...

Quality of Life: 60%
The important things I can do something about. A way to attack death realistically by making the most of life. This should be my main fear and what I need to be actively concerned with because I can effect it. I can control the quality of life and thus make the most of this finite time. There are tons of things that go into this fear including: social embarrassment, happiness, shame, regret, productivity, purpose, love, pride, and despair. I can do something about these, thus they are worthy of actual consideration, thought, and work.

The Universe: 23%
I worry that we as the human race will never get better; we will never reach our ultimate potential. This is a fairly abstract and some would say stupid fear. Religious people do not have to worry much about this because heaven and god are perfect. There is an eternity of bliss after death. But I do not have this. Humans and our minds are all we have. I fear that we will never get better, that we are too poorly evolved, lazy, selfish to get better and make our existence and the Universe better. By my own impact I can effect this. This is something of a quality of life concern, but for everyone. My motives are not wholly altruistic, because I want us to be better because I will be part of it. I can be involved in everything being better. It is as close as I can get to heaven and I don't think we can get there.

The Oven is On: 0%
Fuck this.

Fear Itself: 7%
This is the fear of uncertainty. When I turn off all the lights the fear of what is not known. I do not think this deserves much weight. Obviously a topic such as everlasting torment is a frightening topic, but I cannot do much about it, thus fear has lost its beneficial role. In a lot of ways, it is simply a culmination of all the unnamed things in the future that could cause problems in above topics.

If there are things you think I should be worrying about that I have not listed, let me know. Or something here you do not think I should pay attention to at all.

Rendezvous with Rama

I started reading, Rendezvous with Rama, on Monday night on a whim. I read 70 pages that night. It is now Wednesday and I am finished. Obviously this one is a page turner. It was on my list with Neuromancer as one of the few science-fiction novels ever to win multiple awards in the genre. It's from the 70's and another classic. Arthur C. Clarke's work is drastically different in almost every respect to William Gibson's though.

Rendezvous with Rama concerns a huge asteroid that makes its way into our galaxy some hundreds of years in the future. By this point man has colonized the Moon as well as Mars and even Mercury. The scientific world is shaken up when this would be asteroid turns out to be a perfectly smooth cylinder some 50 kilometers long traversing our solar system. A team is sent out to examine and explore this alien construction sent from the depths of the Universe. But what will it contain? Will we finally discover an alien civilization far ahead of our own? And what is the purpose of its passing?

Mostly I found Rendezvous with Rama very interesting and compelling. The book is very plot driven and character development is not stressed as much as the fascinating plot. The chapters are usually 2-5 pages and the book itself is just over 250 pages. It was a fun and exciting read, and a nice break from some of the more intellectual books I have been reading. I would not count it as science-fiction fluff, but it is fairly straight-forward and simple. It would be difficult to get much out of this anti-climatic thriller besides stunning visuals and fast paced wonder. It is however the first book in a series, so perhaps it should not be judged until conclusion. I probably would not recommend it to others unless they wanted a fairly light, adventurous science-fiction read. It would have made a good movie. 7.5/10

Artwork

I just got my first personal scanner. It works pretty well, but is fairly small. I scanned some artwork I've done recently. Just some fun easy pieces. The scanner unfortunately has to do these size ones in pieces. They're not super easy to put together but hopefully it's not too obvious.






<-- Crowns on the Ground

Kingdom of Crowns -->

Letting Fear In

This is something of an answer post to my previous question a few days ago. Obviously this is a fairly quick turn-around of insight. However I really do think I've reached some revelations with the help of communication from various people (you), and other factors.

I had a fairly long discussion with Wills last night about fear and the future. I talked about how I can almost sense my fear as a tangible apparition that is always one step away. That fear itself is manifest in a nefarious man lurking around the corner of the hallway that I cannot see. He is closely waiting behind the next corner, the next available obstruction to hide his presence. But he is not invisible at all. The feeling of him is fear; that is looking into the face of fear. By definition, fear is always around that next corner, the uncertainty and apprehension of what could happen next. The looking under the door and waiting for the shadow to move. But fear is not there. Fear is not the real danger. Fear is the shadow of threat waiting behind the next turn. And by looking at the uncertainty and knowing that fear is this thing, not what could be around the corner, I was able to invite it in...

When I was younger, I used to get scared in the house fairly often when alone. I would transform small sighs and noises from the house into intruders. If something rustled upstairs it was certainly because a man was there. And soon he would be coming down to kill me. What was that passing shadow in the door frame when I moved my head too quickly? It was surely someone. It was the fear in movement. I was powerless. How can you fight something that is just one step away? How can you defeat what is and is not real? In this sense you cannot defeat it. You cannot simply look around the corner and see that no one is there, because the fear has already moved. Nowadays I feel the fear in my apartment. Sitting in my main room I think something is lurking beyond my door or in my closet. But when I go into my bedroom and lock the door, it is now in the apartment just on the other side of the door. It is always one step away. Just beyond detection. When I was younger my only defense was letting it win. I would clearly announce: "OK. Fine. You're in the house. Fine. Can you please just come out now?" This verbal denouncement seemed to bolster my courage but in a way also defeat the fear, or at the least understand the absurdity of it. When letting fear in completely you have defeated it because it simply has nothing else. It is all bark and no bite. There is no real threat besides simply fear. The very act of fighting fear makes it real. When we give ourselves away to it, let it in, let it be, we have defeated it.

I stayed in my main room quite a bit last night. I drew some stuff and kept my back to the door. Whenever I got the sensation that someone was behind me, I simply welcomed them in. "Hi, how are you? Stay awhile." When we accept fear and let it linger I think we can realize that it is only a phantom. It only hurts us because we let it have power over us. Once we befriend it, it no longer haunts us, but merely walks beside us.

Comments and what not are always welcome.

Lolita

I just finished Lolita by Vladamir Nabokov. Overall I would say I enjoyed and relished the book. Nabokov is an exquisite writer of human emotion and cognition.

Lolita is a manuscript written by Humbert Humbert concerning his love of nymphets, and more particularly his one burning desire, his Lolita. It is a story of cunning insanity and passionate love. Humbert is a detached, wholly rational and thoughtfully, complex character. The reader must empathize with him as he travels the roads of despair and melancholy where he is forbidden to possess the only thing he truly loves.

I love Lolita as a talking point for discussion on what love can mean. It is a true love story in the most possessive and selfish sense. I really enjoy talking about this book with others and some of the controversial and pushing topics it enlightens within us concerning age, maturity, love, personal responsibility, obsession, insanity, and ownership.

The plot itself dragged at times for me, and with any journal reached points more pressing to the author than the reader. I found myself hoping the tale would end well before the final resolution. I, however, would argue that the dramatic climax happened much before this. Though I did enjoy almost all of the writing, it simply may have been too rich for me at points. Recommended for those who want a contemplative read on love and the bizarre and insane forms it can take. 8/10.

Question 2

How do you conquer fear?

Fear is in the mind.

Fear is our brain telling us that we need to be aware of some situation ahead because it represents a crisis to us. Some of these warnings are useful and worth recognizing. But as humans, we have all types of fears which may never be realized or are not worth realistically considering. But we still have these fears. We have uncertainty about the future and it cripples us. We have doubt in our mind that disables us, hinders us, and leaves us incapable of facing the truth. How do we destroy it? How do we defeat the fear created by ourselves in uncertainty of the future and the certainty of death? How do we reign over our fears and take control of our lives?

This is a follow-up on my “Question” series. Hopefully I will have my own thoughts on these sometime soon. But mostly I want this as a role call. Are you willing to help me? Thank you to those of you who responded to the first question, and I welcome all to this post. How do you overcome fear? How do you look past death and uncertainty and lead your life without fear? I need to know how to tackle fear because some of these other issues scare the fuck out of me. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Youth in Revolt

I watched Youth in Revolt last night. I thought it was pretty awesome. The characters are pretty absurd, and amazing. And pretty much everyone does exactly what you want them to do, in the best way possible. You might find yourself screaming at the TV for them to do something. "Do it! Do it!" Oh, they'll do it, and you will cheer. This movie definitely has some of my favorite fist pump moments ever.

The basic story is that Nick Twisp is in love with a girl. And not only is he in love with her, but he must have sex with her. And he will do anything to make this happen, even if it means making a secondary ego named Francois that will do everything bad that polite, timid Nick cannot. And you will love Francois. He is doing work. He's everything bad and evil that you've ever wanted to do, and he will love doing it. And you will love watching him do it.

This movie probably won't make you better, but as a fun Summer movie, it's pretty good. I will certainly be getting the book soon. 8.5/10

A History of Villains

I remember watching a lot of cartoons growing up. Most of which I enjoyed immensely. There is a common theme among many such cartoons. The characters are flat. The villains are villainous, the heroes heroic. You can expect the villains to do selfish evil things to reach their own means; the hero to act selflessly to the benefit of all. The heroes will stand up until the end, while the villains will flee when they're losing. I find this last characteristic especially interesting. Many such cartoons, with a story arch each episode, involves a malevolent plan by the villain. The drama is created when the hero finds them self trapped and totally overwhelmed by the villain. However, much to the heightening of drama, they will not quit. Much to the danger of others and themselves, they stick it out. They overcome ridiculous odds to defeat the villain and rise triumphant once again. The villain faced with similar odds runs off to fight another day. So the story goes.

It is interesting how we have given such a characteristic to our flat villains. They are cowardly and will not face up in a fair fight. They choose self preservation over utter defeat. While the hero acts bravely and often foolishly in an attempt to ultimately conquer the villain. Is this a good trait in our every day lives? Both hero and villain will not back down from their goals. Both won't consider a middle ground with the other. But often in these cartoons the ideals are simplistic. Either face evil or have the world conquered and surrendered to the will of an evil intellect. But when is it so black and white? It's easy to stand up against obvious injustice. But our world is plagued with gray issues and dilemmas of questionable morality. In such a world, is it necessary to fight so stubbornly for our ideals or is it better to open ourselves up to alternative possibilities and perspectives?

This, in my opinion, is a reason why history may be extremely interesting (though I might not be convinced). It is the story of real humans dealing with such ambiguous issues. Often our history depicts one side as right and the other as wrong, exaggerated at times into villains and heroes. We demonize our enemies actions. But is it really so clear? They are all stories of humans. Tales of people who were doing the best for them, what they thought was right and virtuous. But as they say "to the victor goes the spoils." And often enough, that is the hindsight to have fought with moral superiority. But who does not fight with moral superiority? Of the great villains of our time, most thought themselves doing "what was best," even if their view was ridiculously skewed. They are also the ones who are considered unable to reconcile their quarrels with others. When there was an opposite viewpoint, these historic villains utterly destroyed their counterparts. They acted in genocide, destroying those that were different. They would not compromise, would not listen. They would not back down to the point of terrible violence. They decided that right makes might; that with their "moral superiority" they could wipe away the inferior. And isn't that the worst thing you could do?

I'm not thinking of any incidents or people in particular. Obviously in some cases, the "villains" were utterly wrong and worthy of harsh condemning. But often, the heroes as well attempted to utterly abolish the alternate viewpoint. It was made so the other side did not exist. I just think in general, instead of being a hero or a villain, that it might be better to be a commoner. It might be better to be open to solutions. Obviously this is true, but it seems so hard to get through sometimes. There is a saying (paraphrasing): "All that evil needs to flourish is for good men to do nothing." I think this phrase holds a lot of wisdom and insight. But is also wholly black and white. It assumes that there is an evil and an obvious contrary action that will be good. I guess I'm simply proposing that we be careful thinking this. Maybe we shouldn't so stubbornly be against an opposing view. Maybe the action we need to "do" is be forgiving instead of fighting against; try to reconcile the difference. What if the thing being done is simply selfish? What if the person doing the deed is the one who actually needs help? What if I am wrong? When we act so one-sided against, neither of us learns or grows. If we voiced our opinion and talked with the opposition maybe we both would gain and become better. There is a quote I like a lot from Lincoln: "I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." We are all humans. Though we see each other as villains, I think we all want what is best. Maybe I am wrong.

It's crazy to think no violence ever has to happen again. If we all saw each other as they see themselves in their own eyes, how could we ever quarrel? We can be transparent. We can agree to disagree. We can be open. We can listen. We can grow.

For myself, I think this means I need to try and be less elitist. I need to listen instead of being self-righteous and accusatory. It is recognizing not only when I am being villainous, but also not chastising others for not being heroic. Hopefully I can help us along.

Bruno and the Road

I watched both Bruno and the Road last night. After watching them, I can hardly think of two movies that are more different.

Bruno was what I expected in a lot of ways, but so much more. It is pretty much non-stop, high energy, ridiculous, over the top, cringe worthy awkwardness, unashamed obscenity, and maxed out fun. At several points I was laughing my head off, cheering with both hands raised, while others I was sunken back into my seat trying to escape or somehow squirm out of the situation. I have several favorite parts and others keep running over and over in my head. While I might like the swagger and ignorance of Ali G more, Bruno was pretty fun to watch. I'm not sure how many more times I could do it again though. If you like nudity, absurdity, and Sasha Cohen just going for it with the biggest balls in all ways possible then you might love Bruno. If not, you will probably hate it. It is certainly not for everyone as the film shows. 8/10

The Road is probably one of the most difficult movies I have ever watched. It is not so difficult because the movie is not phenomenal. It is. It is just set in impossible times. Everything is gray and bleak. The main characters, a man and his son, must travel through a post apocalyptic world and make extremely difficult decision after extremely difficult decision. This is not the fun apocalypse. This will not be easy. This is the point at which almost everyone else has just given up. This will suck every step along the way, and you will want to die. But they will not quit, and neither does the movie. I know books are always considered better than the movies, and I have not read the book. But I thought this was masterfully done. I certainly want to read the book more than ever now. 9/10

Quick sidenote: I love Guy Pearce but him being on the poster instead of the boy is simply an injustice. He's in the movie all of 3 minutes.

Quitting

I quit my job the other day. It was a lot more difficult than I thought. I thought I was detached enough where I could go in and say "Yep, well Steve... I'm quitting." I don't think I actually was ever able to even say the word "quitting." After puttering around a while I finally got to the fact that I was heading home, and thus wouldn't be here anymore. I've never been fired before. But it seemed in a lot of ways opposite but somehow exactly the same. It was like I was telling my boss I didn't need him anymore. He's not sentimental but it still seemed tough to tell him that I didn't want to be on his team anymore. I'd found greener pastures. It was almost like I was dumping him. It was a lot harder than I thought. I'm not saying I couldn't fire someone but I can empathize a lot more with how difficult that must be. Obviously getting fired has to be pretty rough as well.

Question 1

Does what does not kill you actually make you stronger?

I'd like to hear some opinions on this. I'm working on breaking down assumptions that I have made, or that others have placed upon me. This may seem like a basic one, but I would like some feedback. Especially from some for those who have gone through actual tragedy. Email me at bedford.daniel@gmail.com if you do not feel like posting here.

Hopefully at some point I will post my opinions and thoughts on this topic. More to come. All comments welcome.

10 Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott from
http://zindelo.posterous.com/ten-rules-for-being-human-8

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it’s yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, “life.”

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The “failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately “work.”

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There’s no part of life that doesn’t contain its lessons. If you’re alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. “There” is no better a place than “here.” When your “there” has become a “here”, you will simply obtain another “there” that will again look better than “here.”

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life’s questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Growth versus Upkeep

I went to a psychology talk when I was in college. The speaker talked about occupations which maintain the upkeep of the world and those that expand our knowledge. They were basically talking about taking jobs for research versus those in hospitals. We have the opportunity to have jobs that help maintain mankind (doctors, firemen, police officers), and jobs that help propel mankind (researchers, scientists, writers). The speaker was not supporting one branch or the other, just hypothesizing this basic difference.

I do not know what kind of job I want. I want to help advance our society in a technological sense, to excel progress and make our lives easier. But I also want to help people, in fairness and in a social sense to enjoy their lives to the fullest. But mostly I want to advance us on a mental level. I want to help excel us in the battle for our minds; to bring us closer to one another and build bridges within ourselves. It sounds lame but the song "Waiting for the World to Change" by John Mayer expresses a lot of what I am feeling. While he is talking about our generation taking over and controlling the political machine, I feel that way in a metaphysical sense. I want to delve deeper. Isn't that what we are ultimately looking for? I just keep getting stifled by the insignificant and minor things in life. I don't know how to drop these surface struggles and really address what matters. Hopefully that's what all this maintenance and progress will ultimately accomplish; an environment in which we can assess ourselves and the human condition in a way that is unmolested by these trivial problems. I just doubt it will ever happen. Maybe I need to join a monastery.

Spring Artwork

New artwork I've finished. Not great. Just real easy pieces.



















........."Fields of Wisdom" ................................................ "Rays of Experience".......

Seat of Consciousness

Have you thought about your mind? Where you're at?

It is interesting to think about you, who you are, and where you are. Surely you are where you're at. How could that not be? But where are you and what are you? People think about their body. That's me. I'm this flesh. I'm these legs and this torso and this head. This is my face. This is who I am.

But are you? What if you didn't have your legs, wouldn't you still be you? Of course you would. You're not those cells in your legs. They aren't who you are. But what about your face? Wouldn't you still be you without your face? You would. But we place so much emphasis on that. But it's not who we are.

We think about ourselves behind these eyes. We're this thing behind the eyes. We're looking out into the world. We're sitting in chairs in our minds controlling these arms and these lips. We're forming these words. This is who we are. We're taking in this information and pulling these switches. But what are we? If you close your eyes, are you gone? I'm not gone. I'm still here.

But what am I? Am I a brain? Am I the critical mass of neuronal cells necessary for consciousness? Am I just a huge processing center taking in information and spitting out results? This physical connection is an illusion. I am not my legs, or face, or eyes. But could I awaken them into awareness? Could I become the thoughts of the cells in my legs and feet? If my brain is just a conglomerate of cells, could I hear the thoughts of the cells in my feet? Aren't those the same as those in my brain? Are they less a part of me?

But are my thoughts who I am? What are those? Where are they? What is their physical body? Are they chemicals swishing around in my brain? I think I can feel them in my head. They feel like they're back there with me controlling from way back behind the eyes. But I know they're not there. They are somewhere out in the void. How could they not be? If I thought loudly enough could you hear them?

Can I escape this physical shell? Can I change this perspective? I feel like I am more. I feel like I can escape out there. I want to be One. How do I escape this? I want to walk around.

I know Wills, I know.

Choices

An entity had to make a decision. It had to choose between everything or nothing. It had to choose either life or nothingness for all eternity. This entity is beyond the concept of god. It was before the big bang for atheists. It is a primal force which had to assess all that life had to offer. The good and the bad. The eternal pain, the greatest ecstasy, the flawless despair, the peaks of joy, all the disgusting and destructive wars, the hatred, and the love. All up against nothing. An endless period of nothing and no possibility of it. And they chose life.

I support that decision. Life is not heaven. It is complex. By its very nature it is a never ending struggle. We are in turmoil, in flux. There is the good and the bad, the heartache and pain. We live in a world that is not perfect. But that is okay. It's not evil choosing that. I would still choose it knowing all of the grievous pain of life. Nothing would not be so bad either. But we have something and I am grateful.

Daniel's Top 5 Movies

In my opinion, one of the most underrated films of all time. Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club has been masterfully portrayed by David Fincher and his amazing cast of characters. It is a movie that deserves to be watched multiple times to enjoy all of its subtleties and style. Every scene is used phenomenally to drive the characters, message, and overall quality of the movie. It is dark, funny, and astoundingly moving. If you do not feel this way, I simply feel you have missed something from the movie, or should see it again. It is truly phenomenal. The commentary from the director and the three main actors is wildly impressive and insightful. Don't miss it.


James Cameron's Avatar was one of the biggest blockbusters of all time. But I think it got rave reviews for all the wrong reasons. It was seen as one of the most visually stunning movies of all time. And while its story was bashed for being hackneyed and over-used, I actually thought the setting and theme brought such a new flavor, that it was far and away better than any other telling of a similar tale. There is something powerful and dynamic in this story of struggle and connection, of building bridges across insurmountable distances and helping each other to realize we are all the in this together. Several scenes had me in tears, while others sent my heart wrenching. Overall it is simply an amazing and epic science fiction movie in the best sense.


If I were stuck on a desert island and only had one movie to watch, The Fifth Element would probably be it. I am not saying it is my favorite movie, but is very enjoyable and easily can be watched over and over again. This movie has some serious elements (yep), but always addresses them in ridiculous and awesome ways. Bruce Willis does an amazing job as a grumpy, unlikely hero pulled into saving the universe with not only action but also compassion. The characters are over the top, the dialogue is absurd, and the settings are ridiculous. And it all fits me perfectly. This is not in the running for best movie of all time (Chris Tucker should have won multiple awards though). It simply hits all of its points and is a highly enjoyable movie experience.


The Girl Next Door is the story of a bright, caring high school Senior who is looking for a little more to life. He finds it when the girl of his dreams moves into the house next door. The only problem is that she used to be a pornstar. Oops! This movie is so much fun. It takes a great look at some of the challenges and sacrifices we make everyday for the people we love in our life in a comical and ridiculous way. It is pretty much just straight up accessible fun for the whole movie. It has some great lines, wonderfully funny moments, and really cool characters. Probably my favorite movie for just hanging out and enjoying some light fun.


In a much more challenging movie, V for Vendetta will keep you engaged with its stylish, thought provoking tale. Though not the best for watching in a raucous group, this movie has the potential to make a powerful impact with its desperate tone and dramatic scenes. It is definitely worth multiple viewings to fully understand the motivations and overreaching themes of the movie. Though dark, this movie has some utterly hilarious scenes, as well as some of the most quotable lines and speeches. In the battle for redemption, language and emotion are powerful tools that are used to wondrous effect. I can only hope to grow with its integrity. Just go out and watch it, and as always... England Prevails.

Honorable Mention
Green Street Hooligans
Shawshank Redemption
Princess Mononoke

Accelerating

Please do not take this in a conceited way.

I have really been proud lately of how I have been thinking. I knew I was sweet. But the days' thoughts and improvement just affirm it. I am certainly not awesome, worthy of awe, but I am really glad I am accelerating. And that is all I can do.

No Pain, No Gain

“If you don’t have problems, you will never be the person who overcame them." - Richard Bach

They say the important things in life are not easy. But they are worth fighting for. There is no gain without pain. In most things I find this to be true. When things are difficult, you must rise to the challenge. These times shape you in the crucible. You become better through experience and the wisdom gained through these trials.

My time here in Minnesota has been a very trying time. And in the same vein, I have become better because of it. Being apart from friends and family, I have had to make new connections and support systems. I have branched out socially and mentally. I have made many new revelations about "the real world," myself, and what I am capable of. Overall it has been a challenging and rewarding experience.

But now I am tired. If the analogy holds true, my muscles are becoming fatigued and I need a break. I want to push myself in the future to become the best possible person I can be and to lead the most fulfilling life. However, I feel like I have gained about as much as I can here. I need some recuperation time, some time to reset and restart myself before my next big work out session.

In that regard, I will be returning home for a period. How long that will be I do not entirely know, though I will be setting up some guidelines for myself. It will be in no way permanent; simply a period where hopefully I can reconnect with people there, discover some things about myself, and make some decisions about the direction of my life. Thanks for all your guidance from the past to the future.

Neuromancer

Neuromancer by William Gibson has been on the top of my reading pile for a while. I have been delving into quite a few "best of" lists, and Neuromancer is almost always near the top for science-fiction. Several prominent ones actually have it as #1. It is one of four books to win the Hugo, Nebula, and Campbell Awards for outstanding science-fiction. It has also won the Phillip K. Dick award. Besides that, it's been extremely influential in the cyber-punk genre, and has created tons of cultural influence on the future of science-fiction in print and movies.

Neuromancer follows Case, a burnt-out, computer hacker addict living in a futuristic black market Japan. He's been crippled from interfacing with computers after stealing from his employers. Hackers in this future actually jack into the virtual 'matrix' of computer programs and realities to exploit walls of information there. Case is recruited by Artimage, an ex-militant, and Molly, a genetically-modified street samurai, for a complex heist involving viruses, conspiracy, drugs, cryogenic families, clones, and artificial intelligences.

If I had not seen movies such as the Matrix, Johnny Mnemonic (written by Gibson), and read books like Hyperion and their ilk, Neuromancer would have had a much more profound impact on me. But Neuromancer actually came before all of those! It was a book far ahead of its time, shown through its major influence on the genre. I think a ton of reason it gets so much praise is because of this; it is the Bible of science-fiction in a lot of regards. However, reading it now, it simply does not have that effect on me. There are a lot better books out there. Many of the characters are fairly flat. While the story is compelling, challenging, and fast paced, the final outcome was just fine. I finished it and wanted to keep reading; but I don't really know what I'd be looking for. There are a few loose ends I wanted cleared up, though I did not care too much. Gibson's book fell into that zone of writing where I enjoyed it, and it moved well, but I could have used a little more description and fullness, something that I probably would have loathed at a younger age. 7/10

Daniel's Top 5 Fantasy/Sci-Fi Book Recommendations

In this post I'll talk about some of the Fantasy and Science Fiction books I would recommend to people. These are not necessarily my favorite books (though many are), but books I would recommend to people looking for great works in the genre. I will describe why I like each book, who I would recommend it to, and why I might suggest it over some alternatives.

Magician by Raymond E. Feist
Epic fantasy at it's finest. Raymond E. Feist's Magician was recommended to me by my friend Coleman Shelton when I was looking for new fantasy books to read. Though I had been reading fantasy for a while, this stands out as the book that really got me hooked into epic fantasy for a lifetime. It was the book that brought me from young adult reading for pleasure and wonder, to books of substance and meaning. Though Magician is not the greatest in those qualities, it showed me what a book could be involving well written cultural descriptions, dynamic characters, and a diverse and interwoven plot.

The story of Magician involves two boys, Pug and Tomas, who live mundane lives in an outlying duchy of a wondrous kingdom. Their potential is unleashed when both boys become separated and embark on transforming journeys of magic and fantasy that span the ages. It is a wonderful, compelling story of boyhood friendship and maturing into roles of power and responsibility. I highly recommend Magician to anyone looking to break into epic fantasy, or those simply looking for an escape into another world, distant but yet remarkably similar to our own.


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling
This has quickly become the most well known fantasy series ever, possibly even eclipsing J.R.R Tolkein's Lord of the Rings Trilogy. As far as accessible fantasy books, J.K. Rowling's original masterpiece Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is hard to beat. Though many people would not include this book in their best of list, the pure joy and ease of reading these books is amazingly encompassing. Retirees to middle-school children love the story of the orphaned boy living in an imprisoned life becoming the most magically gifted boy of his generation. And I certainly would not shun it because of its popular appeal.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, similar to Magician, is not my favorite book from the author. However, like Magician it is the first book of the series and thus must be recommended. This does little to deter the magnificence of either book. This book is a wonderfully written page turning mystery full of suspense and unending joy. Though it might not have the most profound effect, J.K. Rowling amazingly writes an intricate series involving memorable characters, learning experiences, and fast-pulsing plot. Several of her books in the series are very long, but it only adds to the depth and intrigue of the characters and ever-evolving story. I highly recommend this book to any young adult looking for a great reading experience, or anyone ever.


Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
If I read Magician just as I was ready to move into reading fantasy for good, Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein hit me just as I was really starting to think and form myself into who I am. And it made a pretty profound effect. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to challenge them self with new insights and wisdom. Though I'm sure there are more powerful books out there, few have timed their effect on me as strongly as this.

Stranger in a Strange Land focuses on Michael Valentine Smith, 'the Man from Mars.' He's a human who was born and raised on Mars by Martians. Now he must adapt to human culture and society. The most basic concepts he does not grok and he must learn the principles of our society from the ground up. It's a very insightful and challenging look at our culture, norms, and perspectives that make up our everyday lives. Though it's not the most compelling plot at times, the characters and interactions really drive the book along. Some of my favorite chapters are composed of tens of pages of dialogue between characters over a moral or philosophical issue. This is also the book that I have read the most recently, so my feelings may be a little strong right now.


Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Easily my most recommended book of all time; it is hard for someone not to find something they cherish from Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game. I originally heard about this book from Bill Hinchcliffe in my Senior English class. I'm really glad he mentioned it because this, along with its sequel Speaker for the Dead, are among my favorite books ever. I have had several friends and co-workers read these books, and everyone loves them. Orson Scott Card is simply an amazing writer of human thought, emotion, and the things that drive and compel us to be how we are.

Ender's Game is the story of the youngest child in a family of extremely intelligent children. When questions of his violence and temper are questioned, he is sent off to the legendary Battle School to test his mettle and strategic mind against other prodigiously intelligent children in preparation for a intergalactic war with the 'Buggers.' He must navigate through ambiguous friends and enemies, while pondering moral dilemmas and motivations all while keeping his own council in discovering what the world, and the Universe hold for him. I can hardly give Ender's Game enough praise as a book that everyone should read. It's not just for science-fiction readers, but for everyone. Like many others mentioned, it is the first book in a series, so you might get hooked. But it can stand alone just fine.


Tigana by Guy Gavriel Kay
Fantasy is a genre where, by definition, anything is possible. It is amazing that some of the best works of fantasy are those that teach us about the world that we live in everyday. And this story does just that. Guy Gavriel Kay does a masterful job in Tigana of weaving an intricate story about real characters that have real motivations and thoughts that we can empathize and pain through with them. There are no villains and heroes (something of an anomaly in fantasy); there are only people living their lives and trying to do what is right for them. That is why this book resonates so much with me; it is an episode in the human condition with an amazing story as the backdrop for such trying interactions, insights, and emotions.

Tigana is the name of a conquered province, which has been so utterly defeated that even its name has been magically removed from all those not native to the land. It is the story of the next generation of people trying to reclaim their history and proud heritage from a war torn land. Guy Gavriel Kay tells the story from the diverse perspectives of all those entangled in this struggle. Though the plot is great, the characters and the turmoil between each other and themselves is utterly astounding. I have only recommended this book to one other person, and they had a very similar reaction. I only hesitate to recommend this book to others because I think it is so good. To have someone not like it would tarnish something in me. Obviously that is just me being insecure, but though I read Tigana some time ago, and I cannot remember all the details or names, it still has that unnameable quality of power over me. I cannot name it as my favorite book, but for whatever reason, it does have a hold on me.

Honorable Mention:
Hyperion by Dan Simmons

The Radio and Coffee

There haven't been many things that have changed about me since turning 24. However, a few things have changed. I drink coffee fairly regularly now and I listen to the radio. Huge breakthroughs I know. But I really do like them, and they have changed some of how I spend my day and my perceptions of things.

The change to coffee is one a lot of young adults make. And it's something I've been putting off for as long as I can. I never wanted to be dependent on a substance to help me simply live my life. And I don't think I am...yet. As of right now I still get the sugar loaded coffees that taste more like milkshakes than the stimulant driven dark black roasts many adults use to pry their eyelids open. But I do enjoy the small high and driving energy it gives me to help me power through the day.

Listening to the radio has been a long time coming but in some ways a much more dramatic revelation than coffee. For whatever reason I feel I have become much more social these last few months/years. I have come to the realization that humans are all there is to life; or that social encounters with others is the only thing that is lasting. Bonding and closeness with others really is important. And I've begun to realize that when I have the energy, I really like talking. I enjoy conversing with people, sharing ideas, explaining things, trying to articulate ideas and explanations, and searching for the right word to fit a situation. Language is a fascinating way to convey ideas and thoughts in a limited space across the void to each other. And it's something that I really appreciate now more than ever. At times I used to be pained when someone took a long time to explain an issue (and sometimes I still am). But now I have an appreciation for the meticulous care and beauty of word choice and language. I think that's one of the reasons I've begun to enjoy the radio. I listened to a program last night that was all about a band pushing its album through the studio. Though I wasn't familiar with the band or even the subject matter that much, I still was fascinated by them talking about it and remembering memories and personal touches. It's something I look forward to working on and perfecting, though I doubt I will ever like the phone that much. I need to get a beer, coffee, or other with all of you sometime so we can talk.